Apr 25, 2011

Who Says You Can’t Go Home

Luke 15:11-32

One time Jesus told this story about a rich dude who had two sons.  The kids loved their old man, but, like most rich kids (read: those polo-humpers on the lacrosse team) the sons were entitled little punks who’d spent their high school years test driving BMWs and hanging out at Hollister.  Especially the younger one (we’ll call him Chaz).

One day, Chaz got tired of stealing money out of his old man’s wallet and decided to go for the motherload. Continue reading »

Apr 20, 2011
admin

That’s My King

(Editor’s Note: As you well know, we at The Holy Broble get a kick out of mixing the silly and the sacred, the holy and the hilarious, the canonical and the comical.  We believe this is a good and worthy pursuit, and we hope you’ve gotten a kick out of it as well.  But it does beg the question – where does one draw the line?  Our answer is, “Right here.”  Whether or not you gave up chocolate, meat, or swearing for Lent, you are no doubt aware that this Sunday is Easter.  With the possible exception of Christmas morning and Mother’s Day, this is the most significant date on the church calendar, and with good reason.  It celebrates the central event of the Christian life: the intercessory death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  This story is the core of our faith, and the culmination of God’s redemptive purposes for humanity.  Through it we have life, without it we have nothing. And – though we enjoy a good liturgical laugh as much as the next borderline heretic – the fact remains that we do not want in any way to diminish the sanctity of this event.  That said: we will be taking a break from our humorous posts this week to reflect on the majesty and mystery of the Easter story.  We’ll see you next week.)

By: S.M. Lockridge

The Bible says my King is a seven-way king….He’s the King of the Jews; that’s a racial king….He’s the King of Israel; that’s a national King….He’s the King of Righteousness….He’s the King of the Ages…..He’s the King of Heaven….He’s the King of Glory….He’s the King of kings, and He’s the Lord of lords. That’s my King. Well….I wonder, do you know Him?…. David said, “The Heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork. My King is a sovereign King. No means of measure can define His limitless love. No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings. He’s enduringly strong….He’s entirely sincere….He’s eternally steadfast….He’s immortally graceful….He’s imperially powerful….He’s impartially merciful……. Do you know Him? Continue reading »

Apr 14, 2011
Old School Bro

Between Barak and a Tent Stake

Judges 4

You got any friends that are just perpetual screw-ups? The kind of person that just can’t get it right, no matter how many times they try? That was the Israelites. Somewhere between Wiley Coyote, Lindsay Lohan, and Michael Vick. The Israelites were perfecting the concept of being their own worst enemy far before that awesome Lit song inspired Charlie Sheen to try to dig a hole in his life to China with hookers and nose candy.

The Old Testament pretty much reads like this: God loves Israel. Israel loves God. Israel turns back on God, goes off the deep end, and becomes the inspiration for the show Skins. God gets mad and punishes Israel. Israel repents. God blesses Israel. Repeat until Jesus is born. Continue reading »

Apr 11, 2011
Old School Bro

Kicking Ahaziah and Taking Names: The Rise of King Jehu

2 Kings 9-10

Parental Advisory: This Broble story is rated ‘R’ for rampant violence.  Seriously bro, this stuff makes Kill Bill look like a Pixar flick.  Children under the age of 17 should be accompanied by a parent when reading this story.

Not long after Elijah left earth on the express elevator to heaven Elisha, his replacement prophet, decided Israel was due for a new king.  He gave his summer intern a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette and told him to go dump it on the head of this dude named Jehu.  And just like that, Jehu became king.  As you can see, appointing a leader has become much more complicated over the past 3,000 years. Continue reading »

Apr 7, 2011
New School Bro

Pulling A Shawshank

Acts 12:1-19

The early Apostles remind me a lot of my boy Tony.  Tony’s a good dude – good friend, good brother, treats his Old Lady right, all that stuff, but, get this, the dude just cannot stay out of prison.  DUI, public intox, resisting arrest – you name it he’s done time for it.  Did you know it’s illegal to discharge a pistol at a Kid Rock concert?  I didn’t.  Neither did Tony.  (In his defense, it was in Vegas.)  Seriously bro, the guy’s spent more time in the can than anyone I know who is not currently a member of D12.  Great guy, though – just like the Apostles. Continue reading »

Apr 4, 2011
Old School Bro

Stealing From The Offering Plate: The Story of Achan

Joshua 7

Back when the Israelites were romping across Canaan like Ben Roethlisberger across a piano bar there was this bro-meister in camp named Achan.  Remember that rapper, Akon, who got yelled at by FoxNews a couple years back for grinding up on that 14 year-old girl?  Yeah, that’s not who I’m talking about.  But it might as well be ‘cause there are some weird parallels between rapper Akon and Old Testament Achan.  Just replace “freaked on a 14 year-old” with “stole from God” and “yelled at by FoxNews” with “stoned and set on fire” and you’ve pretty much got it. Continue reading »

Mar 31, 2011
New School Bro

Eyes On The Prize: Jesus Heals A Paralyzed Dude

Luke 5:17-26

Jesus had this thing about teaching mind-bending stuff to large crowds of people, kind of like a non-crippled Professor X. Wherever he went, tons of people of all shapes, sizes, and Twilight preferences usually showed up. With Jesus there was no such thing as LOST fans or people that don’t hate themselves, there were just people. The religiously challenged people showed up to see him make a blind person see, the educated people came to see if they could outsmart him, and the alcoholics showed up to see if he’d turn more dirty water into wine. Continue reading »

Mar 28, 2011
Old School Bro

Can’t Live With Em, Can’t Live Without Em

Genesis 3:1-24

“I guess the saying’s true, in the poker game of life, women are the rake.” –Ed Norton in Rounders

You’ve heard the story about how God threw the first dude a bone and hooked him up with this slammin honey named Eve, right?  (If you haven’t heard it, why don’t you get with the program and click here.)  Well this story is about her.  Now let me say from the get go that I got nothing against Eve.  She was always yapping her jaw during Mad Men episodes, and she only bought skim milk, but all-in-all, she was a pretty cool chick.  Plus, Adam’s my boy.  So if he’s into her, I’m happy for him.  And what’s he gonna do?  Hold out for a better option?  Yeah right.  One time I saw him spitting game at a snow leopard, and it was like watching Helen Keller on American Gladiators.  Brutal. Continue reading »

Mar 24, 2011
Old School Bro

Tapping Out Like A Boss: Elijah Calls it Quits

2 Kings 2

If you fools have been paying attention, I shouldn’t have to remind you what an absolute, balls-to-the-wall baller Elijah the Prophet was.  He was a fire-breathing, truth-spitting, corpse-raising, monarch-mocking, Jehovah-worshipping Gnarly GnarlingtonHe had tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA and if you borrowed his brain for five seconds your face would melt off and children would weep over your exploded body.  Yeah, he was sweet. Continue reading »

Mar 21, 2011
Old School Bro

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

Genesis 11:1-9

One of the great things about God wiping the whole world out with a flood (Note: see Jars of Clay or Steve Carrell for more info on this) was that you didn’t have to travel cross-country to see your crew anymore.  I mean, I love a road trip as much as the next guy who just finished On The Road, but sometimes I don’t feel like sitting in a Jeep Grand Cherokee for 15 hours just to watch my bro get hitched to some broad I don’t even know, you know what I’m saying?  Sure you do. Continue reading »

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"Welcome to The Holy Broble. It has all the action, intrigue, and high-speed chases of the real Bible without any of the hard to pronounce names or hard to swallow life lessons. Psalms, Proverbs, and the Minor Prophets are out. Anchorman references and Rihanna lyrics are in! It is, finally, a 21st century Bible for a 21st century audience. Booyah."

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